Bottoms up

Poor Jack has the worst diaper rash.

It's bright red and he screams every time we have to change his diaper.

Tomato sauce in his food recently? Check.
Increase in dairy products? Check.
Teething? Check.

So who knows what the cause is. Could be any of those. Could be all of those. Could be none of those. We're changing him as soon as we know he needs it and we're slathering on the diaper cream. We're even switched to the A&D ointment instead of the cream because it stays on better.

That's when you know we're serious because the ointment SMELLS y'all. He smells like medicine. Why is it the ointment stinks and the cream is nonscented?

All I know is that he keeps peeing on the floor because we have to let him run around without a diaper on.

This is what I have been reduced to discussing. The state of my kid's ass. My God I hope something interesting happens next week so I have something to talk about. Well, that is, other than the puddles on my hardwood floor.

New wall coverings

There are sweet potatoes on my kitchen wall.

They were placed there, ever-so-lovingly, by my son at lunch.

They joined the spinach and summer vegetables that he placed there earlier this week.

If he doesn't stop grabbing the spoon and throwing it on the floor, I swear on my old Bon Jovi CDs I will stop feeding him anything requiring utensils.

He'll have to survive on Cheerios, Veggie Booty and sandwiches. Because heaven forbid he should eat any actual vegetables. You know, with his actual hands. Oh no, that would be too much to hope for.

So if you'll excuse me, I will be busy scrubbing the wall. With wine. Well not scrubbing the wall with wine. You know what I mean.

Our very own Mastercard commercial

Ticket to the ballgame: $50

Parking: $15

Tailgate food/drink: $15

Hot dog in the park: $4.25

Soda: $5.75

Running around in the parking lot, playing with wood chips: Priceless

We took Jack to a Brewers game yesterday to celebrate his uncle Paul's birthday. There was a huge tailgating party beforehand with tons of food and beer and soda. And what did my kind want to do? Sit in the landscaped area and play with the woodchips.

It was an absolutely beautiful day in Milwaukee -- sunny, 80 degrees and windy. Perfect for being outside. And wow, was Jack ever loving the great outdoors.

For the first time, he actually left a ring around the bathtub. He was covered in dirt from head to toe, but the smile on his face was worth it. He ran, he climbed, he played Cornhole, he napped in his stroller and he got his picture with a giant sausage.

Really, can you ask for anything more?

This kid is into everything

There were days, back about six months ago, where I wished with all my might that Jack could just WALK. If he could only walk, he would be so much happier. He would be able to pick up toys across the room. He could follow me into another room and not lie there and cry.

Oh how silly I was.

Now I wish I could just put him down in one place. And come back 30 seconds later and find him in. the. same. place.

Tonight, I decided that being a stay-at-home-mom, I should maybe create a dinner for my family. So I bought a chicken at Whole Foods. And I roasted it. And we didn't even have company!

(I am actually a really good cook, but I rarely cook when it's just us at home. I usually only bust out gourmet feasts for guests.)

Of course, my child looked suspiciously at his meal of chicken, carrots and peas. After squishing the carrots and peas with his index finger and refusing to even look at the chicken, he tried to wipe it all off his tray and sign "all done."

As if.

Putting the chicken on a fork and feeding it to him got the job done, and I got him to eat a decent amount. After he finished his dinner, I was cleaning up the pan from the chicken and asked his father to keep an eye on him.

In the 2.5 seconds I had my back turned and Josh took his eye off him, he reached into the garbage -- which SOMEONE forgot to close -- and grabbed the container of chicken grease.

And dumped it all over the hardwood floor.

That about sums up our days now. He is into mischief and we are into keeping him out of trouble.

So if you have any advice for getting chicken grease out of the cracks of hardwood floors, please pass them along.

Jack is 14 months old

A few days late, but never fear, I shall update you all on Jack's progress this last month. I know, you are dying for the details. You could hardly contain yourselves that I made you wait two days for this!

The last month has been awesome because no working for Mommy means undivided attention for Jack. It's amazing what a difference I feel not having to have my eyes glued to an IM screen or living in fear of missing a phone call from some ridiculous supervisor because I am, you know, sleeping. At 10 p.m. On a weeknight. But this is about Jack, right, so back on task.

This has been the month of speech. Well, at least speech we somewhat understand. Jack thinks he makes perfect sense apparently. We at least now know some of the wisdom he imparts.

Gog phfff. Translation for you adults out there: Dog says woof.
Da. Translation: Dad.
Ba. Translation: Bath.
Bey. Translation: Bear
Buh. Translation: Ball. Or possibly Brush. You'll have to see what context it is being used.

So now I spend lots of my day saying one-syllable words in the hopes he will repeat them. Which he is starting to do with some frequency. It's nice to have someone hang on my every word and actually listen to what I say. Unlike his father. Who possesses the skill to actually watch my mouth move and nod his head when I am speaking only to stare blankly a second later and say, "Wait, now what?"

Other words he has picked up recently include eat, hello (which comes out like huh-o when holding a phone to his ear), shoe (which is pronounced shhh while Mommy puts on his shoes) and a lot of No Thank You, which comes out "AAAAEEEEEEEEEEEE" with pushing away movements with the arms. That one comes through loud and clear.

This was also the month where the picky eating continued. It is disgusting when your 14-month-old has a preferred brand of organic chicken nuggets and refuses to even let a different type touch his tongue. His list of things he will eat is driving me insane and next week we will be starting a new program, courtesy of many, MANY other parents' great advice. I heart you Ellen Satter. However, he will still eat baby food vegetables, so at least we know he's getting some nutrition.

The sleep, well it's been glorious. Of course, now that I have typed that, he will go all to shit just to spite me. But it's been 12 hours overnight and usually two one-hour naps or one two-hour nap during the day. Of course, conditions must be just so: dark room, at home, white noise, crib soother controlled by child. But it works and I am not complaining.

So that’s our month in review. I know there’s a million details I am forgetting, like how he gives me big hugs now for no reason, or how he can put the caps on and off travel-size shampoo bottles, or how he shakes his head no or how he plays peek-a-boo by putting his face in the couch and popping up, or how he claps when I come to get him out of his crib after he sleeps. But we’re moving from our second place back to our primary place and my life looks like a tornado hit it. In both houses.

Garage sale is this weekend. I tried to tag Josh for the sale, but couldn’t put a price on my love. Yes, you can all puke now. I did as I was typing it.

Happy Easter

Then:

Now:


Who is that bald child? I just let out the biggest "awwww" when I compared them. The baby, he is no more. All little boy now.

Happy Easter everyone!

Crab legs

Today I decided Jack was crabby.

He woke up from a short nap, which was too late in the morning anyway, and was just a grump.

He cried because I had to change him. He whined through his cup of milk. He had a full-out meltdown when it was gone and cried hysterically for 20 minutes afterward.

There's no teeth coming in. He's not sick. He was probably tired, but he had just slept for 40 minutes. Basically, he was a joy to be around.

I held him in my lap, played some of his favorite music, held him so he could look out the window and rocked him to no avail. He would try to squirm off my lap and then when I put him down, he would scream and reach his arms up so I would pick him up.

After throwing up my hands, his father walked in the door.

Oh the heavens parted, a rainbow shot out of his mouth and I think he filled his diaper with solid gold nuggets. He was all smiles and giggles, sitting with Daddy and looking at me like, "What? Why are you looking at me like that?"

I do so enjoy Josh being on vacation.