I can fly!

Random thoughts from 37,000 feet...

* Why do people insist on reclining their seatbacks in coach? Seriously. The chick in front of me is causing me to type this with the laptop inside my abdominal cavity while my legs are contorted into some kind of bizarre circus pose. And I am short. There should be rules. Either everyone in the whole plane reclines, or no one does. Can we make this one of the Miller Light man laws for God's sake?

* Why is it always the days when I have to make a flight that work starts getting crazy and requiring my attention now, now, NOW? There are stretches of weeks where I can take all day to finish something and then wham, the one day I need to leave the house for something on time, I get 27 requests for things on a tight deadline.

* I swear, I could leave the house four hours before a flight and I would still miss it. I don't know when I became that person -- you know, the one who sprints through the airport -- but I can't for the life of me time it right anymore. Today I left two hours before my flight and would have missed it. EXCEPT IT WAS DELAYED THREE HOURS. So no, no chance to miss it with that.

* In keeping with the above, can someone please tell me why United Airlines bothers having web updates for their flights if they are just going to lie to you? Two hours before my flight: on time. Arrival off the El: on time. Printing boarding pass at kiosk: delayed! delayed! delayed! Then they delayed it twice more in the time I sat on the floor with my laptop and tried to pretend I was happy with the opportunity to work a little more while I waited.

* Airport security people are little bitches. Sorry for the sweeping generalizations, but come on. Today we quibbled over the size of my plastic Ziplock bag. I had taken this bag on four flights, no one ever said a word. Today, a chick wearing blue latex gloves was combing through my grooming items and sighing. She confiscated my mini shampoo because it was a half-ounce too big. I asked her if she was seriously going to make me leave it there, seeing as it was 4 ounces instead of 3.5 ounces. She replied, "Ma'am, it's the law." It's also the law for me to give you dirty looks. Oh she did tell me I could get out of line and mail the item to myself. I am not kidding.

* Remember when I was all smug about not having any engorgement from the weaning process? Smugness bites ya in the ass every time. This morning I awoke and realized how it felt to get a bad boob job. Except the rock-hard implants weren't implants. That was fun times.

* Guess who forgot passports and birth certificates? Guess who is driving into Candada tomorrow? Guess who is sending their mothers to their respective city halls to pick up copies to be faxed in the hopes a copy will indeed be acceptable to the nice border agent? Nothing says vacation like being unprepared. Seriously, who are we? Why have we lost all ability to remember important things? I think Mommy brain is overtaking us both.

* Happy Valentine's Day!