Random updates

1. Today is our second anniversary. Yay us! Josh, I love ya. Thanks for being such a great husband and an equally great dad. And thanks for the flowers. Mmmmmm three dozen roses. Ladies -- he rocks the house.

2. PLEASE take a moment to check out "The Naked Ovary" today. The referral is in and MP has a name and a face! I could not be more excited for them. Today they became parents. What a magical day. Just click on over from that there sidebar to your right.

3. We have a sitter. A real, live baby sitter. Not of the child-care variety either. Look.

Sweet dreams

I have decided to be a little more in control of the napping in this house.

You see, the 30-minute naps continue with great gusto. Oh yes. It's good times.

His father was in charge of the naps this weekend for three days. He experienced the horror first-hand. He agrees there is no easy answer.

So I have a book proposal. My book will be called, "The Stand-By-Your-Child's-Crib-Holding-the-Pacifier-in-While-He-Screams-and-Pleading-With-Him-to-Just-Stop-Already Sleep Solution."

Or, alternately, "Shitty Sleep Habits, Stupid Child."

In this tome, I will put forth the methods I have employed with exactly no success. All for the low low price of $19.95. Act now and we'll give you a bonus copy of "What To Expect When Your Child Won't Sleep The First Year" absolutely free!

Learn the secrets of:

• Running up to the crib after only 3 minutes of Crying It Out because you can't stand it anymore.


• Balancing a cell phone with a conference call on mute on your shoulder, one hand rubbing the baby's tummy and the other hand holding a pacifier in his mouth.*


• Hearing the faintest whisper of a sigh, signaling a premature wakeup, from across the house.


• Balancing a breastfeeding baby on a boppy pillow in your lap in front of your desk while coding html, exchanging IMs with your boss and sending breaking news e-mails to a large subscriber list.


• Running to your child's room when he wakes at 3:30 a.m. and bringing him in to your bed, defeated, so he will nurse and sleep at the same time.


• Detecting alien messages in the white noise over the monitor.

If you are struggling with sleep problems, follow my plan and I guarantee you more days and nights of the same.

*Bonus coverage of muting/unmuting the call quickly so you can speak, but no one can hear the screaming.

Cannonball!

Everybody into the pool!



Mom, I am not so sure about this...



Seriously. Mother. Why are you making me wear this stupid hat? I look foolish. The ladies are pointing and laughing. Can I take it off? No? I hate you.



That's better. Now, let's hit the high-dive.

The post that gets me arrested

So I really didn't have a chance to talk much about our Vegas trip. It was whirlwind, but that's exactly how Vegas should be done. Get in, go hard, get out.

And really, nothing says "crazy Vegas trip" like a breast pump.

My pump and I, we had some good times in Sin City. We spent some good, quality time together every four hours. I feel like we connected on a special level.

But it was almost thwarted at the airport.

I put the pump through in its "discreet black carrying bag" along with my carry-on luggage. The luggage passes with flying colors. Then, of course, the conveyor stops and the technician stares intently at her screen.

She backs it up and moves it forward. She calls in reinforcements. There is pointing and consternation on their faces. The line of people is staring at me. And then I get the call.

"Ma'am, we're going to have to ask you to step over here."

I fall prostrate on the floor, weeping and begging for mercy.

OK, not really. Instead I rolled my eyes and announced, "It's a BREASTPUMP" just loud enough for the entire security area to hear. (Nice man behind me at Midway Airport on July 4 -- HI! Sorry to embarrass you. You are now free to roam about the country.)

I read on the Internets that George Bush was actually looking for breast pumps in Iraq. Little-known fact. You can see why security is so tight on these things.

So the guard takes the entire bag apart and then proceeds to run the explosive-detection pads over the bag. I snorted, and badly wanted to say, "The only thing exploding with that thing is the size of my boobs," but alas, airport security is no laughing matter.

And who wants to spend their Vegas trip in the pokey?

After it was confirmed I had not been cleaning my rifle near the breast pump, they re-ran the disassembled bag and its contents through the machine again.

Clearly, the breast pump as terror device makes sense. I believe it was originally the breast pump, and not the shoe bomb, that Richard Reid was going to use to bring down his flight. I can see Osama giving the directives on this himself.

"Now, I want you to get the Pump In Style - Advanced. The Original would raise too much suspicion. Then, I want you to take it on the plane. Make sure you bring plenty of milk storage bags and bottles, so as not to make anyone think twice. Oh, and Richard? You'll need to actually suction your nipples with it for it to be believable. If you love Allah, you'll do it buddy."

You can see why he went the "plastic explosive in the shoe" route now.

Chip off the old block

So "they" tell you when you are redoing your kitchen that granite countertops can't be scratched. In fact, the only thing that can scratch granite is a diamond.

"They" neglected to tell you that when you drop a ceramic ramekin from a great height -- one that necessitates a ladder to reach -- and it falls and smashes into your brand-new granite countertop that it will, indeed, chip the shit out of it.

It will also send large and small pieces of ceramic ramekin flying everywhere in your kitchen, including onto the top of your foot. Where it will cut the top of a huge vein, causing blood to spurt uncontrollably.

This, while your baby is contentedly playing on the rug in the next room.

Until you are done cleaning up the mess -- which, by the way, was partly the child's fault because you were getting a dish to make HIM some oatmeal -- at which time you come into the living room to find him gone.

As in, not where you left him. And you are home alone with the child, so no one could have possibly moved him.

You may briefly think, "Oh my God, someone kidnapped the baby." And your heart will stop beating for a nanosecond until you can process the thought that the alarm is on and you did not hear the door chime beep and come on, the baby can't just walk out unannounced to run down to the corner store.

You will then look wildly around the room until your ears prick up at the sound of a babble, and you look in the direction of the noise to see the child lying on the hardwood floor, next to the bookshelf, FOUR FEET FROM WHERE YOU LEFT HIM, talking to the recessed lighting in the ceiling.

And the sad part is, you don't know if you are more upset by the chip in your counter or the fact your child is now mobile and you must babyproof the house.

Five months

Dear Jack,

Today you are five months old. Every month, I say the time has flown by, but this month, I really don't know where the days have gone. They are a blur of playing and shrieking and belly laughs and nursing.

The changes are coming fast and furious these days. It's as if you can't wait to grow up so you just want to hurry and get everything out of the way so it will happen faster.

You now laugh out loud, with these deep giggles that come all the way from your gut and explode out of your throat. You love to laugh at lots of things: Mommy throwing you in the air and catching you, Daddy dancing for you in front of your Jumperoo, Mommy blowing raspberries at you, Daddy sticking his tongue out.

You are such a smiley guy. You grin at everyone: family, friends, waitresses, store cashiers, people walking by on the street. You just can't let a face go by without pulling out all the stops. And I am so proud when people stop and engage you and say what a happy and cute baby you are.



And of course, everyone comments on your mohawk. Your hair on the top grows straight up, and what little hair you have on the sides and back grows close to your head and straight down. People have actually asked if I cut it like that or if I use styling product on you. Riiiiight. Pomade on a five-month old. But it's probably the cutest baby hair I have ever seen.

My heart melts in the evenings when I put you to sleep and you smile at me from behind your pacifier. It's almost as if you are saying, "But Mom! Look at me! I am way too cute to go to sleep!" And just when my heart has reassembled itself after a night of rest, I go in to get you from your crib and you start pounding your legs on the mattress and reach for me while grinning maniacally. And it melts out of my body and onto the floor at that point.

Usually this occurs at 5 a.m. because you are grooving on the early wakeup calls. Granted, you will eat and go right back to sleep for three more hours, snuggled between Daddy and I. But it's still an obscene hour for me to be walking through the house to get you.

And it's not like you're making up for the early calls with good naps during the day. We transitioned you from swing naps to crib naps this month and I'm going to have to say the crib naps are losing the battle. Your average nap is 30 minutes long, twice a day. Which is killing Mommy.



I have been known to plead with you to just please, please, please take a nap. They say you get it all back double when you become a parent yourself. Apparently, from what Grandma tells me, this must be true. I was a bad napper. You are a horrible napper. I can only fear for your sanity when you have a child someday because it clearly will never sleep at any time, ever.

I know you sleep less because you are so interested in everything going on around you. You don't want to miss a minute of the action. You are now in perpetual motion. If you are lying on your blanket, you are kicking your feet and chewing your hands. If you are in the exersaucer, you are playing like it's your job. If you are in the Jumperoo, you are kicking your feet and bouncing like mad.



You learned how to roll from your back to your front three weeks ago and now you roll over all the time. You arch your back and crane your neck to see the toys behind you and then sort of will your body to catch up with your head. It's not exactly graceful, but it gets the job done.

Now front to back? That you have perfected. We put you down on your tummy and you immediately roll to your back like "Ha ha, suckers. The man isn't keeping me down."

The strength and coordination you developed this month kind of snuck up on us. One day we just took note that hey! Jack can hold his head up really well. And then we figured out you could sit up holding on to our hands and lift up to a standing position with a little help. And then all of a sudden you were reaching for toys. And of course, EVERYTHING goes in your mouth now. Your fingers, my fingers, my shoulder, the shirts of visitors, the arms of visitors, toys, blankets, shirt bottoms, small animals, kitchen sinks, you name it.

The only thing you can't get in your mouth are your feet. You discovered them about two weeks ago and you grab them. All. The. Time. You even try to grab them in your sleep and wake yourself up. But your legs are about a millimeter too short for them to get into your mouth. But it's not from lack of trying. You'll get there soon, but until then, you just screech and grab them desperately.



You are fascinated by Daddy's hand. He will put it in front of your face in the mornings in bed and you talk to it and study it and generally act like it is the craziest thing you have every seen. Forget the hundreds of dollars of toys you have, just give you that hand and you could be content for hours.

You also love to sit propped up over the back of the couch and watch the cars and people go by. A month ago, you couldn't be bothered to look at things outside a five-foot radius. Now, you actually follow a car going by, turning your head to see where it went. You look at the staircase when Daddy or I go upstairs now because you know that's where we will come back from. You now roll over so you can see us better when we're sitting behind you on the couch.

While you still have fussy times pretty often, we're starting to be able to figure out what you need by your cries. I can tell the difference between "I'm in pain" and "I'm bored" easily. But every once in a while you throw us for a loop with a new one, like this month's "You sneezed and scared the bejesus out of me" cry. Which is similar to the extreme meltdown cry, only it occurs immediately following one of Daddy's loud sneezes.



Daddy and I also hit a very big milestone this month, when we went on our first vacation without you. You went to Grandma and Grandpa's house for three nights while we went to Las Vegas. You had a great time and so did we. And I missed you so much while we were gone. It was the first time I was apart from you for more than eight hours, so it was kind of odd to not have you around to play with. Although I can't say the sleeping until noon was a bad thing.

But I have never been so excited to come home in all my life. When I got to the house, Grandma had you out on the porch waiting for me. You heard my voice from the sidewalk and you started looking around for me. When you saw me, you started kicking your legs and smiling. I grabbed you and hugged you and you buried your face in my neck like "Woman! Where have you been? And more importantly, did you bring the boobs back with you?"

You just kept grabbing my face in your hands and pulling me closer to you so you could slobber on my cheek with your open-mouth baby kisses. I haven't seen you nurse that well in weeks, so you must have really missed the boobs too. I am really proud of the fact you got all breastmilk while we were gone. You're still exclusively breastfed, and barring any unforseen circumstances, we'll hit the six-month mark with ease.



When I was away, it gave me a greater appreciation for being a mom. While I had a great time, I was always thinking "I wonder what Jack is doing?" I called to check on you a lot and looked at your picture in my wallet a few times a day. You have become the center of my existence over the last five months and I couldn't wait to come home and hang out with you again.

This month, being your mom has become even more rewarding. You can hug me and give me kisses, and you just light up when you see me. I love to look in the mirror with you because your reaction is priceless. It's like you can't possibly believe there is another Mommy. You get so excited with a huge smile on your face.



It's those moments that make it all worthwhile. When I see your smiles in the mirror. When I look at you sleeping next to me with your little arms above your head. When you laugh at my Superbaby routine. When you wind down with your post-bath massage and sigh at me. When you turn your head into my chest as I rock you to sleep. When I listen to you babble to yourself on the baby monitor.

Those little things make up our day together and while it would be easy to dismiss them as little things, I will never take them for granted.

Love,
Mommy

Vacation, all I ever wanted...

Kids, I am taking a little blog vacation this week. It started yesterday, but I forgot to tell y'all about it.

There's going to be some hanging out with the child, some hanging out without the child, a vacation to Vegas, baby, Vegas -- WITHOUT THE CHILD -- and then some more time recovering from the trauma of being away from the child.

So enjoy your July 4 holiday extravaganzas and we'll reconvene on July 10.