Four months

Dear Jack,

Today you turned four months old and I literally can not believe it's been 1/3 of a year that you have been with us.

The last few weeks have been so much fun. I never thought I would have such a good time hanging out with someone who can't speak in sentences or use a toilet, but there is no one I would rather spend time with.



You discovered that your voice has more than one level this month, so now you spend all of your time shrieking. You scream in delight and you scream when you are sad and you even scream when you laugh. You noticed that this yelling at the top of your lungs business really gets our attention, so I think you are continuing it in the hopes we will give you the keys to the car and let you stay out past curfew.

You've really grown a lot this month. At your doctor appointment, you were up to 13 pounds 4 ounces and you're now 24.5 inches long. But it's the growth of your hair that got most of our attention this month. You've got a little mohawk going and it could not be cuter. When your hair is freshly washed and dried after a bath, it's so fine that it just sticks straight up. I wish it would stay like this forever.

You got so big in month four that you pretty much rendered your swaddle blanket obsolete. You Houdini-ed out of it every night anyway, so we decided you were big enough to sleep without it. The first night was rough -- it took us 30 minutes to get you to calm down, but once you did, you were back to sleeping through the night. First the swaddle blanket, next thing you know, you'll be sleeping in a big-boy bed.

You've also become quite the little flirt. You smile and laugh at strangers, and it's not difficult to coax a good smirk out of you either. You are a very happy baby. Most of the time.



But then comes late afternoon and all hell breaks loose. More days than not, you would rather just spend the afternoon on the boob, coming up for air and diaper changes every once in a while. From 4-7 p.m., I pretty much give you the go-ahead at the all-you-can-eat milk buffet and things calm down.

The last few days you have been very out of sorts. You got your four-month shots on Sunday and you were not pleased with this development. For three days you mostly screamed. Sure, there were times you were happy and smiley, but it was a rough three days.

It kills me to see you in pain. Especially when I have no idea what is causing your unhappiness. Your Daddy said he hoped it would get better when you could talk, because at least then you can tell us what's wrong and we can fix it.



And believe me, I would give anything to fix it. I would give anything to make you happy and bring a smile to your face. Your smiles light up the room. Your laughter fills my heart. The best moment of my day is the one each morning where I open the door to your room and you look up at me from your crib.

You smile at me and start to squirm because you know I am going to pick you up. I can see your entire body light up when you recognize it is me. If I could bottle that feeling, I would be a gazillionaire. Because I have never been so swept off my feet by anything before.

My love for you is so fierce it has taken me by surprise. I never knew a love like this before. You are the best parts of Daddy and me all rolled into one, but you are your own little person, too. I look at you sometimes and I can't believe you were the baby I carried inside me for nine months. It doesn't seem possible that a year ago tomorrow, I found out I was pregnant with you.

The last year has changed me in ways I can not even explain. I have become more patient, more loving and more thoughtful. I want to be the best person I can be to set a good example for you. I want you to grow up thinking your Mom and Dad are good people.

Every month, we have seen more and more of your personality emerge. I almost feel like I am rushing you to grow up because I can't wait to see more. To see you crawl. To hear you babble. To chase you as you walk.

But I want you to stay my baby, too. I was so torn about starting rice cereal this month because I didn't know how it would affect your breastfeeding. I know that cereal is the first step to you moving on to other sources of food, and eventually to growing up and doing everything on your own, and I am not ready for that yet. I just want to keep you this little forever.

Love,
Mommy