He's a professional

Today I learned about the racket that is better known as "professional baby portraits."

I stopped at the Sears at the mall after lunch and inquired if they had any openings for photos. The woman told me they did not, but that I could have an appointment at 3:30 p.m. So I took it and trudged back home, unsuccessfully tried to get Jack to nap and then headed back.

When we arrived at 3:32 p.m., I expected we would be taken right away. So I got Jack out of his snowsuit and showed him the lights and waited a few minutes. I saw the woman was waiting on another mom, so I was willing to cut some slack.

At 3:45 p.m., with Jack behaving beautifully, I knew no good could come of this. The woman in front of us could not decide on which pose she should get and then she kept changing her mind and I am standing there bouncing Jack around saying, "Noooooo, don't go to sleep. Stay awake! Stay awake!"

"We'll be right with you," was the response to my passive-aggressive techniques.

Of course, the second we get Jack in the room and sit him down in front of the camera, he starts to fuss. Well duh, he was ready to go 20 minutes ago. Of course he's crabby now.

So I ask if there's someplace to nurse him real quick so I can calm him down, which I do. So we try again. And he's still not so into it. So we take a few shots and then have a wardrobe change. And he's still fussing.

I am bouncing him like a crazy woman trying to distract him from the fussiness and every time I sit him down, she tries to get in a good shot. We finally get some of him not crying and we're done.

They take me out to the computer to check out the shots and pick the ones (ha, like there was more than one with this fussy child) we liked. So I decided on the one sheet and then a black and white 8x10 of his face in closeup. We get the smiles card thingy, which basically gives us free sittings for the next two years, and the woman tells me that once I give her the OK, the photos will be sent to the printer so I need to be sure.

Fabulous. We head to the register and I hear another woman speaking to a customer about when her photos will be ready for her to pick up. And then it clicks that I CAN'T TAKE MY PICTURES HOME WITH ME TODAY.

In this day and age of technology and home photo printers and digital cameras, one would think you could just get them and go. Oh but no. I tell the woman that no one told me I would not be getting the pictures then and there and they should really tell people up front.

After they already had my money, they told me my pictures would be ready to pick up, oh, when Jack is 3 years old. Or, March 24. But that surely seems a long time away.

Lessons learned today:
1. One-month-old children will not cooperate for photo sessions.
2. Your husband will inevitably not like the pose you choose to buy.
3. When they say to be patient because they run on baby time, they lie. Not my baby's time. The baby in front of us, however, got great photos on her timeframe.
4. The second your child sees the camera, he will refuse to look pleasant or open both of his eyes at the same time.

So yes, when I look back on this experience, I realize next time I will have to plan a little better. He's just lucky I didn't make him wear the bunny ears they had on the shelf. I threatened him with it, but he was not scared.

Here are some of Jack's shots. Come on, Vogue.