Where is he?

A bizarre phenomenon has overtaken me since we brought Jack home.

Each and every night, I awake in a tangle of covers, searching for him. I frantically grab the comforter and start grabbing the sheets and I wake Josh and ask where Jack is.

And every night he tells me he is in the basinette. At the foot of our bed. Where he has been sleeping for almost three weeks now.

I believe this is Freudian somehow. I think it has to do with the fear of rolling over onto the baby and asphyxiating him. Not sure why this is a fear in the first place, considering Jack does not sleep in our bed.

Also not sure if it has anything to do with me going to sleep and Josh staying up with him until 2 or 3 a.m. So Josh puts him to bed and maybe since I am not putting him down, I can't wrap my brain around it? That, or I am just a paranoid freak and I am losing my mind.

I have always had a weird tendency to act as if I am awake and have conversations while actually still half-asleep. Many a night I have talked jibberish to Josh and he has made fun of me the next morning. Occasionally, I even wake myself up while I am doing it. Which results in me trailing off whatever I am saying and realizing I am making an ass out of myself.

So maybe tonight, I can keep my shit together and try to act like a rational parent. You know, one who is not pulling up the mattress pad looking for her baby.