Homeowners X2

We closed on the house today!!! Now, I am an official home-owner. The place we own now, Josh bought before we were married, so I didn't really count that as "my" house so this is a pretty big deal for me. Yes, I signed my name a gajillion times and yes it was the biggest amount of money I have even seen and no it was not stressful.

It was actually fun, but somewhat anticlimactic because we don't get to move in right away. But we went over to the new place after it was officially "ours" and we took some photos and measured rooms and figured out which walls we're knocking down and where we're going to put the couch and MY GOD the horror of the bathroom with the yelow-tinted biege-y tile and the shower doors and the fake-oak wood vanity and the sconces. The sconces!

But they are my sconces! My fake-oak wood vanity! MY UGLY TERRACOTTA TILE AROUND THE FIREPLACE! And I will tear them out!

I am really looking forward to the demo of the two walls we have planned. I am envisioning goggles, large hammer-type demolition tool thingies and really cute work clothes. In fact, for some reason, I picture myself with a tool belt saying things like "Well Bob, we decided to go with the 2-and-a-quarter on that because the studs could handle the load." And then I'll mop my brow with a kerchief. Yes, I just said kerchief.

And then in the magic of 30 minutes, my house will be transformed in "Extreme Home Makeover" fashion and I will fall to my knees upon entering, screaming "I CAN'T BELIEVE IT" and taking great big heaving gulps of air between sobs and smothering a nearby TV host with hugs for his crew's hard work.

Most likely, it will be me whining about how dusty it is and why can't we just be DONE already and hey, THAT WAS MY FINGER I JUST HACKED OFF WITH A SAWZALL.

Ahhh, the joys of home ownership. I can't wait to start knocking shit down.

Going public

It's hard to be diligent about the blogging when I know that no one is reading the blog. You see, Josh told me I was not allowed to use our full names. But I had written a very snarky About Me entry using my full name. But then he said I could not publish it if that was in there.

So I changed it. And now it just uses my initials. Booo. It was much funnier before, trust me.

But now he said it can be listed online. Fabulous.

From now on I am making a concerted effort to post every day. I said I needed to start a blog to have an outlet for my creativity, which is being sucked out of my brain each and every day that I perform this mindless work that is my job. I just code and copy and paste. All day. At home. While I have the TV on. In pilates pants. With a cat on my lap.

Today I made a big mistake. And I felt like crap. I hate when I do stupid stuff and it's a public mistake and I get scared like when I was in grade school and got yelled at by the teacher.

I always get a flood of panic, I literally feel a chill run through my body and I instantly develop a stomachache. And this was one that no one internal might have noticed, but I knew if even one person pointed it out, I was dead. So I fessed up.

GOD. I feel like a little kid again. But as I often like to ask myself, "Is (person who is mad) going to HIT me?" Since the answer is no, I usually tell myself to stop being such a baby and face the music.

Sometimes, on days like this, I was I had an anonymous job instead of an anonymous blog.

Negativity

Let's review the scorecard so far. Preggo test: negative. Period: A no-show.

That's fun. Guess I was right that it would take few months for my cycle to get regular after 14 synthetic-hormone years. On the bright side, I had no problem tipping back several beers during this weekend's Final Four festivities and a celebratory trip to a local bar afterward.

It's no surprise my cycle is haywire. In addition to the chemical-free cycle I have embarked upon, I am undergoing immense work stress. Work stress brought on by a mean and horrid and nasty person who shall remain nameless, lest one get fired for blogging about her job. I have learned from those bloggers before me.

I would love to quit my job. But the purchase of the new house precludes it. So I sealed my fate three weeks ago. Foolish woman. I could always look for something else, but what's the point. I'm not sure how long it will take to get pregnant and there's no point in looking for something that would separate me from Josh for four days a week.

So I stew. And cry when it gets really bad. And dream about a career.

It's really unfortunate for me that I do not have one. You see, I have no career aspirations at my current company. I was hired at one level five years ago, and this is about as good as it gets. There are no ways to move up, especially if you do not live in New York, where the home office is located.

Josh keeps telling me to wait until we have a baby, since working at home is perfect for a family. But who knows how long that will take? And is "I wanted to take three months off from my job because it sucks" a good enough reason to have a baby?

But that still leaves me with no career path. And it sucks.

When I graduated from college, I was all "pro-career." I wanted to be a reporter. I got a job, moved around and worked my way up to be a crime reporter -- exactly what I wanted. And then I didn't like it.

So I went into PR, and then back to newspapers as an editor, and then into the web. And somewhere along the way, I lost my way. I became complacent -- happy to just have a job. There was no immediate thought of moving up.

Maybe that's when I sealed my fate.

Now I am scared to try something new, convinced I have no transferable skills. I am scared to stay where I am, convinced I am wasting my talents. I am scared of losing my job, convinced it's the only job out there and that losing it would put us in the poorhouse.

Most of all, I am scared I have lost my chance. I'm 31. It's over. If I was going to make a career, I would have already had to do it. Now I am doomed to a life of toiling away at creatively-drained work.

I wish I knew when I lost that chance, but there is no one moment, no single decision. It's like it snowballed on me and covered the path back. Now, I can't find my way.