By the foot

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

That is the sound of my feet sucking up the lotion from my pedicure that I got yesterday in my very own hospital room.

This was no ordinary pedicure. This one was conducted in my bed while I lounged and relaxed. Quite a different experience than sitting with your feet in a tub of water while a lovely woman speaks in a language you don't understand to another nail technician working in the next station.

I had called around without success in the last few weeks. All the usual suspects told me they could not send their people out because of licensing bullshit. But then I found a spa downtown that recommended a traveling spa service and they felt bad for me and scheduled me for the very next day.

So the very nice lady showed up right after lunch and got right to work.

I think she might have thrown up in her mouth when she saw the condition of these dry-ass feet, but she recovered well. I had not had a pedicure since the week before Labor Day, and I usually go once a month, so you can imagine the condition of my feet. Think lizard skin.

So she buffed and sanded and massaged and moisturized and painted and voila -- I was ready for a foot fetish film. I have never felt so calm.

It could also have been a high. You see, my room gets EXTREMELY warm during the daylight hours. Approximately the temperature of the planet Mercury. I could fry an egg on my forehead. And because I didn't want everyone in the entire hospital to see my feet, we kept the door shut.

Warm + no ventilation + polish remover fumes + pregnant lady = BAD

After the nice nail lady left, I got up to pee (something I do a shocking 43 times per day now) and I felt light-headed. So I thought I would mention it to my nurse by pressing the call button.

Amy: "Hi can you send my nurse in? I feel weird?"
Nurse comes in, I say I feel lightheaded.
Nurse" "Well, that would be because IT SMELLS LIKE FUMES IN HERE."

So we opened the door and turned on the fan and I felt much better.

Except then all the nurses and doctors who stopped by asked about my pedicure and then made fun of me about the fumes. Real nice, kick the pregnant lady when she's down. Or high, as the case may be.