Performance enhanced writing

I admit it -- I took steroids.

Yes, steroids. In my eyeball. They enhanced the performance of my sight.

Yesterday, as I watched baseball players testify before congress about their alleged steroid use, it dawned on me that I was a user too. In December and January, I accepted a steroid eye drop to clear up a nasty problem that prevented me from wearing contacts.

And I liked it.

In fact, I plan to go around to schools and tell kids about the benefits of my using. The enhanced vision, the clearness of my sight, the ability to read street signs.

The fact that I was able to benchpress 250 and hit a baseball 475 feet on the fly was, I admit, an odd side effect. But how was I to know? Just because my eye doctor handed me a brown paper bag with the word BALCO on it, who was I to question?

Come on people, just admit it. You took steroids, your head ballooned to the size of a watermelon and you had more acne than a Proactive informercial. Fess up. Come clean. Evangelize about the dangers. Then go home to your millions in the bank and don't give it a second thought.

Now, who wants some of that cream I found in Barry's locker last summer?